Hello world,
These past two weekends, I've been with different parts of my family. Two weekends ago (4th of July weekend), one of my cousins got married: the third of my 15 (total) first cousins to get married. And I had both a learning experience and an early-life crisis experience.
The two recent Wisconsin weddings have been eye-opening for me. One cousin's wedding (my second cousin to get married) was last year in August. I was there for a lot of the last-minute preparations in Wisconsin. I also did a reading, and it's small-town Wisconsin: everything seems bigger anyway. Then this most-recent wedding, also in Wisconsin, kind of hit me harder than the other two. Different from the second wedding, I was not involved at all, and I only went up north for the weekend of the wedding, then I came back to St. Paul to continue the Mellon seminar; I did not see much if any of the wedding chaos. But this time, I had a (female friend) date. Although much of my family up north knows that I am gay, not all of them do, namely my grandparents (which will be changing--I plan to be telling them next month, not that it's relevant to this discussion). So, bringing my female friend, Hannah, was an interesting experience, because I got to experience more fully how people, usually unintentionally, put labels and construct boxes around people and their identities. Whenever my friend was introduced, it would typically go: "[So-and-so], this is my friend, Hannah." While the people who I'm out to, and if our language/human interaction weren't so coded sometimes, then that introduction would simply indicate that she and I are just friends. However, our world is very familiar with connotations, coded language, insinuations, reading between the lines, and so forth. So, friend becomes girlfriend, friend with benefits, or technically girlfriend, but we're not at the level yet to be using such labels. Whatever term was "replaced" in people's heads, I could see when it happened. And to be fair and completely honest, I'm sure that there were times when it wasn't happening, when people were just accepting Hannah and I as simply friends. Nevertheless, that weekend, with each introduction, I could feel the box being placed around me, relabeling me as heterosexual. I felt as if I was going back into the closet (not that I was ever really in the closet; I just didn't really know or understand my sexuality). But I realized two things. First, the weekend was not about me. It was about my cousin and his fiance getting married. Anything to do with my sexuality could be dealt with in August. I've waited long enough, and another month wasn't going to hurt me. Second, no matter what, people are going to create ideas or images in their heads regardless of what I do or say. I do the same. Categorization or compartmentalization, I think, simplifies things, life; the key is not fixating these categories and allowing them to be fluid and to shift. Humans are eternally consistent; things grow and change, and so should our categories or labels. It's also not my business what people think, unless it is actively negatively impacting my life.
On a completely separate note, these two recent weddings have sparked a surprising "early-life crisis" in me. I'm nearly 21 years old, and I've had no experience yet in dating, which may or may not be a surprise for some of you. In any case, I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to the "primetime" for marriage and baby-making, but I haven't even had a boyfriend yet. Last year, my cousin was 23 and was getting married and already had a baby. This year: that same cousin is having another child in September, one cousin got married (he's 25), one cousin had a baby, one cousin is having a baby in November, and another cousin got engaged. And I sort of caught the garter that my cousin threw at the wedding (long story on the "sort-of catch"), and this means that I'm next?! NO WAY! I'm so not ready to get married. Regardless of the whole dating thing, marriage isn't even in my five-year plan. (Yes, I have one; are you really that surprised?) And yet, I still feel the clock ticking; I still feel an almost larger, social (not familial) pressure to get crackin' on the process. There also seems to be this fascination (I've fallen for it too) in planning our "dream weddings." We have our first dance songs picked out, some people make scrapbooks, and some people know exactly when, where, and how. It seems even more and more, marriage has become this commercialized ritual that we all look forward to and hold on to desperately, and some of us have lost the meaning or the heart behind it. Two people, in love, making a commitment together--the wedding is supposed to symbolize all of that. So how can one person plan a wedding, when it's two people getting married?
Furthermore, I need to fight for my right to get married before I can even think about getting married. Unless I'm fortunate to live some place where gay marriage is legal and recognized.
Don't worry, Mom: I know I have to wait 'til I'm 35 and financially independent before I can start dating. And now for some Queen:
"Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?"
-"Somebody to Love," Queen
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